Thursday, January 15, 2009

The Down Low - When the “Other Woman” is Another Man

The “down low” is a term used to describe the behavior of Black men who secretly have sex with other men while in marriages or relationships with other women. The men who do this do not consider themselves to be gay. The term “down low” originated in the Black community, and is used almost exclusively to describe Black men. But men of all races engage in this behavior. (Remember New Jersey governor James McGreevey?)

An Infidelity Thing
The down low is not a “black thing” or a “gay thing” – it’s an infidelity thing. The down low is basically another form of infidelity. The difference, however, is that rather than cheating with a woman, a man on the down low is cheating with another man. I prefer to call it “same-sex infidelity.”

Not an Uncommon Situation
The “down low” or “same sex infidelity is common enough to warrant its own support groups such as the Straight Spouse Network, Gay Married Men’s Association, and Wives of Bi/Gay Men, just to name a few. An estimated 2 million other couples have found themselves in this situation. There are now several books about the down low.

Health Consequences of the Down Low
The rising number of HIV cases within the African-American community, especially among Black women, has become a major cause for concern. A man on the down low who engages in unprotected sex poses a health threat to his unsuspecting female partner by putting her at risk for HIV/AIDS. J. L. King brought this to the attention of the Black community with his best selling book, On the Down Low: A Journey Into the Lives of ‘Straight’ Black Men Who Sleep With Men. According to the CDC (Centers for Disease Control) HIV infections are rising among Black women, who are contracting the virus through heterosexual contact.

Why Women Miss the Signs
Most women are oblivious to the fact that their man is on the down low. This typical of women with cheating husbands and boyfriends– even when the man is cheating with another woman. Most infidelity goes undetected. According to statistics, 2/3 of the women being cheated on, have no idea their man is having an affair – because they fail to recognize the telltale signs. What the majority of women don’t realize, is that most of the signs of infidelity are subtle. So women who pride themselves on knowing all the obvious signs of infidelity, usually miss the many subtle signs staring them in the face.

Detecting the Down Low
The same signs of infidelity that apply to a man who’s cheating with another woman, also apply to a man who’s cheating with another man. So first and foremost you need to have a working knowledge of what those signs are. If you’re unfamiliar with the many hidden signs of infidelity, you’re at a major disadvantage. This should be a compelling enough reason for you to familiarize yourself not just with the obvious signs of cheating, but with the countless subtle signs. Especially since the subtle signs of infidelity are the signs most women usually overlook.

This is where an infidelity book like Is He Cheating on You? – 829 Telltale Signs can be a tremendous help. This book lists practically every known sign of infidelity, including the signs women usually overlook. The signs are grouped into 21 major categories, so you can easily find the signs that apply to your mate. (For more information about the book, visit or click here to order a copy now.

Once you’ve established that your man is cheating, then it’s a matter of determining who he’s cheating with. Is it a woman? Or another man? In Is He Cheating on You?, Chapter 26 entitled ‘His Behavior Around Other Women’ will apply to a down low man’s behavior around other men. If he’s on the down low, the 71 telltale signs in this chapter can help you identify the man he’s cheating with.

The Down Low Dozen Tip Sheet
How can I tell if my man is on the down low? What signs should I look for? These are the two most frequently asked questions about the down low. In response to your questions on how to detect the down low and what to do about it, I’ve compiled a FREE 2-part tip sheet called the Down Low Dozen.

Part 1 of this free 2-part Down Low Dozen tip sheet describes a discreet 3-step procedure for finding out your man is on the down low, without letting him know what you suspect. Part 2 of the Down Low Dozen tip sheet contains practical advice on what to do if you find out that man is, in fact, onthe down low. It gives you tips how to confront him about his down low status, questions to ask, precautions to take, and steers you to places where you can get help. For a FREE copy of the Down Low Dozen tip sheet, e-mail with “DL Dozen-bw” in the subject line.

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1 comment:

Divalocity said...

The down low phenomenon is really a irresponsibility thing, especially for the person who is being deceitful. Homophobia is really the main obstacle stopping many black men from coming forward with their own sexuality. I don't think they can take the harsh judgment from family, peers and of those in the community.

For the majority of black women who are desperate for mates, they really need to start vetting any man they desire to become romantically involved with.

Many women have lowered their standards when it involves relationships and so have the men. A lot of women are committing suicide and they know it but are deathly afraid of being alone.

Women need to stop believing in the myth that femininity is only defined by motherhood and being in a male-female relationship. For men masculinity is defined purely by sexuality and nothing else.

How can this 'tsunami' of immorality be reversed when people are not taken precautions and are still being irresponsible? Black Women have been told that there is either a shortage of men or that black men do not desire to marry black women.

What men are really available for many black women to choose from if they desire to date only black men? Ex-convicts, these men are being touted as possible mates to black women to engage in relationships with.

Some women don't mind being in relationships with men who are dating several women and are willing to share men. The only way we can possibly slow down the infection rate is by women practicing celibacy and learning to love and value themselves more.

Condoms don’t stop HIV/AIDS, people do, when acting as responsible individuals. Men who are really gay are only fooling themselves because the truth regardless how painful will always be revealed.